FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: May 5th, 2010
SNURCH ARRIVES IN ARIZONA: Despite Governor Brewer’s Efforts.
Spreading its wings and gliding down from its “Any Way You Like” mountain perch in Asheville, NC, Snurch, a leader in local news and reviews, has landed (illegally?) in Arizona.
The entire Snurch Arizona staff attempted to move into a 4 bedroom 2500 square foot piece of the American dream smack dab in the middle of Phoenix suburb, (name withheld). But this dream would quickly come to an end for these crack journalists. Suspicious neighbors called local law enforcement upon seeing the Snurch crew exit the Poonmobile and enter the domicile or “casa”, as it is known locally.
The questioning went late into the night as officials attempted to ascertain Snurch’s immigration status. This is mandated by Senate Bill 1070, signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer on April 23rd, 2010.
A little background is necessary. Long-time readers will remember the collective paranoia that followed the horrific events of 9/11. Anyone with brown skin was one suspicious activity away from a citizen’s ass-kicking. This was a particularly painful time for actor George Hamilton. Because of the Snurch crew’s swarthy looks and to avoid these types of misunderstandings, Snurch adopted a policy, right or wrong, of always wearing a T-shirt in public that read, “I’m not a terrorist, I’m Mexican”. This strategy worked well for many years on the East Coast, and Snurch was never hassled, interrogated or asked to participate in anything social.
Now flash forward 9 years. Let’s just say, that same T-shirt doesn’t play well in Arizona circa 2010.
Ultimately, Snurch staff members avoided arrest by producing a combination of doctored library cards and postcards purchased from the Biltmore House, the “whitest” of all monuments to the American Industrial Revolution. Also, as a concession to the new Homeowners Association,Snurch agreed to not park the Poonmobile on the street overnight and to keep our lawn-mowing goat in the fenced backyard. (Goat provided gratis by one of our favorite Asheville vendors as a housewarming gift)
With this incident behind us, the people of Arizona are now free to experience the same local insightful reporting and reviews that Ashevillians have enjoyed for over 700 years.
Snurch is irreverent. Snurch is apolitical. Snurch is occasionally insightful. Snurch is not fearful. Snurch won’t leer at or your sister. Snurch is not boastful. Snurch does not claim to be “the most interesting man in the world.” But Snurch did once get the Dos Equis guy in the sleeper hold. The only interesting thing about him at that point was how fast he passed out.
Thank You Arizona for welcoming Snurch with open arms and laws that make things difficult for swarthy people.
NOTE: For the Arizona market, Snurch has opted for periodic full body wax treatments and skin bleaching in lieu of another ethnically charged t-shirt.