In an Snurchy twist, local law enforcement now recommends that women aged 20-35 avoid any man wearing anything linked with the Tommy Bahama brand.

Although, they pose little danger, their distorted self-image may lead to unwelcome sexual advances, leering and age-inappropriate behavior.  They can be easily identified by their clothing and accessories.  The typical shirt will be loose-fitting with a disproportionately large image that celebrates martinis, hula girls and/or fishing.

Ironically, these men use the brand in an attempt to look young.  But the baggy shirts, with their giant nostalgia laden images of a long-gone beach culture shield the truth like powdered sugar on a turd, making avoidance fairly simple for young women.

These men may also attempt to blend in with the younger set by acting as if they are texting on their phones.  But sadly, few of them can muster the dexterity to type the simplest of messages.

As always, there is a tragic side to this story.  As psychologist, Dr. Norman Davis points out, “these are not lifeless robots cruising for young chicks.  They are human beings, usually living with remnants of alienated families.”

Dr. Davis also runs a rescue group that helps men escape from the Tommy Bahama brand illusion and has placed copies of the following poster in bars, nightclubs and urologists’ offices across the United States.

If someone you know is haunted by this affliction, please help.


May 25, 2010 – Snurch AZ writers and owners have to come to a long-term agreement that should ensure Snurch AZ’s survival until at least 2015.  The bitter dispute erupted a week ago, when Snurch AZ writers realized that they had received no compensation for any work.

An unnamed Snurch AZ writer explained, “we were all having a brainstorming session while selling our blood plasma, when it hit us, ‘We should be getting paid for our work'”.

Adding to the dispute were the writers’ accusations  of  lavish spending by management.  Managment claimed there was no such extravagance.  However, Snurch AZ has uncovered a trail of documentary evidence  that seems to prove otherwise, including  receipts for:  a life-sized sex doll with an uncanny resemblance to Bea Arthur ($6500), an unfinished peanut butter sandwich encased in lucite allegedly left by Elvis Presley in a hotel room, purchased at auction for $3750, and over $4,ooo worth of pictures of hairy men.

According to insiders, with the newly inked contract in place, readers should expect nothing new from Snurch AZ.


CITIZEN SNURCH:  ELDERLY UNDER SIEGE

In a continuing effort to protect the elderly from peril, the Snurch research team has compiled a list of valuable information.  An understanding of the following 8 statistics can help the elderly avoid almost 3% of the things trying to destroy their essence on a daily basis.

  1. 95% of all internet transactions lead to identity theft.
  2. 75% of pharmacists routinely fill prescriptions incorrectly.
  3. 75% of house fires are caused  by heater thermostats set higher than 62 degrees.
  4. 86% of all home invasions start with a simple knock on your door, usually by a child.
  5. 1 in 3 people over the age of 65 will have their face eaten by a beloved pet while sleeping.
  6. 40% of pamphlets left on front doors are coated with poisons easily absorbed by the skin upon contact.
  7. The average shopping cart handle contains 50% more fecal matter than a  public toilet.
  8. 80% of all burglaries are committed by employees of alarm companies.

Taking the necessary steps to prevent any of the above situations is the first step toward leading a safer existence.  Snurch asks that readers forward this post to 10 people that they love.


SNURCH UNDERCOVER:  TERRORISTS STEAL FELDMAN’S FACE – BOMB TIMES SQUARE

Snurch has uncovered shocking evidence of a terrorist plot being waged on America that uses faces harvested from beloved former child stars transplanted onto the bodies of willing jihadists.   Their first target, Times Square…the weapon…… Corey Feldman.

As best as the Snurch team can surmise, the real Feldman was abducted and replaced by a Faisal Shazhad/Feldman hybrid sometime between 1992 and 1995, or for Feldman fans, that would be somewhere between Meatballs 4 and Dream a Little Dream 2.

The exact date of the switcheroo is unknown.  However, the below pictures, snurched from different sources, show how astonishingly advanced face-off technology has become.  Snurch forensic experts were able to discern between Feldman, and what is known in Pakistani terrorist circles as “Feldar”, in 4 of the 5 pictures.  However, by the time the experts reached, what is believed to be the most recently taken picture, they could not discern between Feldman and  his freedom-hating counterpart.

Feldman Unmasked!

After the surgery, “Feldar” was reinserted into his America life.   However, there was an adjustment period, which may account for “Feldman’s” erratic behavior on the tv reality show,  The Surreal Life.  It  may also explain Feldman’s errant musical forays, including the band, Truth Movement.

OR this

Though difficult, Feldar learned to use Feldman’s face like a ruthless killer, ending with the failed bombing attempt on Times Square.  Authorities were led to Feldar, after a report that someone matching Feldman’s description got into a skirmish with an Olive Garden bartender, culminating in Feldman screaming, “Do you know who f%&k I am?”

It is thought that an earlier model of Feldar was tested years earlier, perhaps best evinced in the following clip, for which a Snurch staffer gave his life.  We should also caution you that watching the following clip doesn’t really add much to the story.  It is really long.  It will involve the willful waste of almost 5 minutes of your life.  Seriously, you’re not going  to get that time back….ever.

The scope of this mass deception is unknown.  But the Snurch staffers are currently investigating similar claims of face theft from Saved by the Bell‘s, Dustin Diamond and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air‘s, Alfonso Ribeiro.

snurchaz@gmail.com


SNURCH EXCLUSIVE: It’s Official, Every Resident in Phoenix now Owns a Yoga Studio.

According to Arizona Corporation Commission records snurched by our crack team, 40 year old Phoenix resident, Gaia Myers, is officially the last person to start a Yoga Studio in the Valley of the Sun.

“I knew I wasn’t the first, but didn’t know I’d be last either.”, said Myers.

Nestled between a Chiropractor’s Office and a Chiropractor School in a mostly vacant strip mall in Tempe, Yoga Village Happy Warehouse will cater to middle-aged women looking to change their lives. According to Myers, Yoga Village Happy Warehouse, will offer these women an alternative to meat market fitness clubs and afternoon binge drinking thinly disguised as “playdates”. Myers plans to differentiate her studio by also offering a complete line of privately-labeled colon cleansing products and vitamins.

Myers, a retired real estate agent and life coach, will change the magnetic sign on the side of her Sienna once again. But this time she believes the sky is the limit. “I know I’m standing on the shoulders of giants, I mean, you know, being the last one, it’s like I’m standing on everybody’s shoulders, I guess, you know?”


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:  May 5th, 2010

ARIZONA

SNURCH ARRIVES IN ARIZONA:  Despite Governor Brewer’s Efforts.

Spreading its wings and gliding down from its “Any Way You Like” mountain perch in Asheville, NC, Snurch, a leader in local news and reviews, has landed (illegally?) in Arizona.

The entire Snurch Arizona staff attempted to move into a 4 bedroom 2500 square foot piece of the American dream smack dab in the middle of Phoenix suburb, (name withheld).  But this dream  would quickly come to an end for these crack journalists.  Suspicious neighbors called local law enforcement upon seeing the Snurch crew exit the Poonmobile and enter the domicile or “casa”, as it is known locally.

The questioning went late into the night as officials attempted to ascertain Snurch’s immigration status.  This is mandated by Senate Bill 1070, signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer on April 23rd, 2010.

A little background is necessary.  Long-time readers will remember the collective paranoia that followed the horrific events of 9/11.  Anyone with brown skin was one suspicious activity away from a citizen’s ass-kicking.  This was a particularly painful time for actor George Hamilton.  Because of the Snurch crew’s swarthy looks and to avoid these types of misunderstandings, Snurch adopted a policy, right or wrong, of always wearing a T-shirt in public that read,  “I’m not a terrorist, I’m Mexican”.  This strategy worked well for many years on the East Coast, and Snurch was never hassled, interrogated or asked to participate in anything social.

Now flash forward 9 years.  Let’s just say, that same T-shirt doesn’t play well in Arizona circa 2010.

Ultimately, Snurch staff members avoided arrest by producing a combination of doctored library cards and postcards purchased from the Biltmore House, the “whitest” of all monuments to the American Industrial Revolution.  Also, as a concession to the new Homeowners Association,Snurch agreed to not park the Poonmobile on the street overnight and to keep our lawn-mowing goat in the fenced backyard. (Goat provided gratis by one of our favorite Asheville vendors as a housewarming gift)

With this incident behind us, the people of Arizona are now free to experience the same local insightful reporting and reviews that Ashevillians have enjoyed for over 700 years.

Snurch is irreverent.  Snurch is apolitical.  Snurch is occasionally insightful. Snurch is not fearful.  Snurch won’t leer at or your sister.  Snurch is not boastful.  Snurch does not claim to be “the most interesting man in the world.”  But Snurch did once get the Dos Equis guy in the sleeper hold.  The only interesting thing about him at that point was how fast he passed out.

Thank You Arizona for welcoming Snurch with open arms and laws that make things difficult for swarthy people.

NOTE:  For the Arizona market, Snurch has opted for periodic full body wax treatments and skin bleaching in lieu of another ethnically charged t-shirt.


With the springtime thaw of snow pack in the high country, Valley tubers gear up for record water flow in the Salt River.

Ezra Flat, resident of Apache Junction and interim President of the AJ Tubers Association said the association would kick off the season with the traditional “assisted tube launch”.  Flat explained,  “It’s basically a giant slingshot.  The ends of the bungee cord are tethered to metal posts anchored by the river.  The tube and pilot are then stretched with the assistance of a tow hitch attached to a motor vehicle of some kind.  Once the tuber gives the ‘thumbs up’, the trigger man releases the slip knot with a quick yank.”  Thus begins another official tubing season.

Flat, a lifelong resident of Arizona recently assumed the post of President from Clay Puhl, who unexpectedly retired after sustaining life threatening injuries shortly after becoming the first man to ever cook a 12lb beef brisket in a makeshift smoker attached to his tube.

Accused by some as being the remnants of an ancient secret society, the AJ Tubers have perpetuated these rumors by holding their launches spontaneously in unannounced locations every year.  However a more reasonable explanation for this clandestine ritual is recently enacted legislation that bans such “assisted launches”.  However, Flat contends that his activities fall under the purview of the FAA and thus local law enforcement and legislators lack jurisdictional authority.

Considered by Emergency Responders as the ultimate challenge, competition between recruits to work tubing season is fierce.  Many of today’s top rescue professionals cut there teeth at this local event.  As Search and Rescue Cpt. Al Johnson put it, “this is a great place to train our rooks.  It’s the only place I can think of where you have the potential to encounter heat stroke, alcohol poisoning, third degree burns, venereal disease and dysentery in one location. Heck, sometimes it’s the same person”

Because of the increased anticipated water flow, the Maricopa and Pinal County emergency crews are gearing up for an especially incident-filled tubing season.  According to Officials from both counties, the primary reasons for medical intervention are dehydration and ultrahydration, also known as drowning.

Long as their tradition may be, the AJ Tubers are not the first Arizonans to tube down the mighty Salt.  According to Professor Clint Well of ASU, “it was the Hohokam, the original irrigators of the Valley of the Sun that invented tubing.  The first tubes were made by lashing together a series of inflated Javalina bladders.  At first this was used only by their hunting parties to cover great distances while tracking their quarry.  But eventually the floats trips became longer.  The tubes became more ornate and a new meaningless complex social hierarchy was born.  Tubing had lost its roots in hunting and had become a social event.  This led to the ultimate demise of the Hohokam as the unmotivated populous floated out into the Sea of Cortez, eventually settling it what is now known as Cabo San Lucas.

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